I’m not kidding. Kids suck. And I’m talking about my own kids. I’m not talking about some random kids in Wal-Mart that are pitching a fit and mom or dad is dragging them by one arm down the aisle because they’re so embarrassed. Those kids suck too but every parent has been there at some point unless they sedate their kids. And don’t think that idea hasn’t crossed my mind from time to time when I know I’m going to have to take the little rug rats in public. Sometimes I feel like Homer Simpson when he strangles Bart during what seems like every episode.
I’m talking full on, two hands around the neck, veins throbbing in your forehead from the effort type of choking. Because seriously, how in the hell can kids make us so mad?!
Let’s think about this for just a minute…c’mon, put your listening ears on(my kids’ daycare says that sometimes and it’s so cutesy it’s annoying) and come join me on the magic carpet. Kids are just that. Kids. We’re adults. Full fledged, made it 30+ years by the skin of our teeth with a lifetime of wisdom adults. And yet, kids give us the run around like we’re the class dunce. Kids are like tiny, little drunk adults. They behave irrationally, say things that don’t make sense, won’t listen to you while you’re trying to provide them instructions(“No Dave, you shouldn’t try and fight that guy”…Dave gets knocked out) and can change from happy to emotional train wreck in three shakes. WTF?! Sometimes I feel like the sober friend that is out with all the drunk friends and is trying not to be annoyed by Amy coming up to him for the third time and telling him how awesome he is(Amy is sloppy drunk in this case) all the while hoping everyone passes out soon so I can accomplish something useful. Kids suck. So going back to the magic carpet(which Amy probably barfed on), we’re left to ponder how we got in this situation and why we can’t somehow get a 5 year old to just put on their DAMN SHOES without having to ask 13 times!
Well, I’ll tell you how we got into this situation, Daddy wanted to impress Mommy so he put on the Sisqo CD, turned the lights down low and put his best moves on her. Mommy played along for a while but was tired and finally asked, “Are you almost there?” to which Daddy sped up and then decided not to pull out and Voila!…you’ve got a baby. Ok, Ok, that’s not how/why we all ended up having kids. Look, we had kids because there is this primal longing that most humans have to procreate. Not all, but most. You can go anywhere and read or hear about how wonderful being a parent is. How ultimately fulfilling and enriching it is to watch your child grow and learn and develop and become their own independent beautiful human being. And let’s not forget, they are a part of you! They will resemble you and carry your traits and likeness down the line for generations! (sigh with longing) That all sounds wonderful and good but if you took someone who lacked all emotion and made decisions solely based on logic, they would say that having kids is stupid. Because kids suck! You spend some of the prime years of your life stressing out about what food they’re eating, do they have the right size clothes, is their behavior legitimately psychotic, do they have ADD, do their friends like them, do they even have friends, am I a good parent, sports cost HOW MUCH, did he really just poop his pants, why is he crying now, why is one of the other ones crying now, and on and on and on. It’s STRESSFUL!
So then, after 20+ years and hundreds of thousands of dollars, they are out on their own. But that doesn’t mean you stop stressing. You will worry about them in perpetuity. Is their job going ok? Are they taking care of themselves? I haven’t heard from them in two days. I wonder if they’re alive? Will they meet a nice guy/girl? There’s hundreds of other things too! And your marriage, if it’s survived this far(because let’s be real, the divorce rate is really effing high right now) isn’t what it once was. Odds are likely you and your spouse have barely spent any time together by yourselves over the last 20 years and won’t have a thing to talk about because all conversation prior has revolved around some aspect of the kids and the kids’ lives! BECAUSE KIDS SUCK AND THEY SUCK THE LIFE AND TIME AND MONEY OUT OF YOU!
I’m sure that there are those of you reading right now and, to this point, think I’m some deadbeat who doesn’t love his kids. Well you’re wrong. I love my kids dearly. And I love my wife fiercely. I work my butt off to provide for them and love them and raise them as best I can. But you know what, sometimes I suck too. Sometimes I can’t pull my head far enough out of my ass to appreciate the fact that one of my kids learned to tie his shoes. Or that one of them was really proud that they cut their chicken up all by themselves without losing a finger(probably more nerve wracking for me than anything). And sometimes I need to suck it up when I’m tired and go outside and play catch or basketball with them, even though it’s quite possibly the last thing I want to be doing right at that moment. Because even though kids do suck sometimes, so do I. I’m just willing to admit it and own it. Kids suck. And kids are human. And humans are prone to have emotional swings, make mistakes, be forgetful, etc… More importantly however, humans are able to love, and forgive, and learn. And kids do that in spades.