This is a topic near and dear to my heart.  I may have mentioned in other posts or even in the “About Me” section(it’s riveting…you should read it..seriously) that I am a large man.  In addition, I live in rural America where it is HUMID in the late spring and summer.  The humidity gets so thick some days that you walk outside and instantly start realizing that your breathing is harder because you’re just having to work more to pull in air through the damn moisture!  It’s awful.

Weather tolerances run in cycles.  Towards the end of winter, everyone is walking around saying, “I can’t wait until summer!”  Towards the end of summer, people are walking around saying, “I can’t wait for cooler weather!”  Sorry folks, you’re going to get some of both and it happens the same way every year.  Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter…you see a pattern here?

But back to sweating.  The humidity is rampant and gross here.  I remember playing football in high school and after about the first day of full pads, your pads just stunk.  They reeked.  That smell did not full leave those pads for the duration of the season and there are still times I walk outside early in the morning and taste the humidity and swear to God that I smell that “funky pad smell” again.  Cold shivers run up my spine until I remember that I don’t have to do that crap anymore.  But the sweating never stops.  Whether working outside, exercising, simply hanging outside for too long, walking somewhere, sitting on a bench, etc… I am GUARANTEED to start sweating and not stop until I’m in a climate controlled environment under 75 degrees.  I swear that I could live in a place where it never gets above 80 and be happy.  I will never understand these people that love hot weather and think it’s the bee’s knee’s to just be hot.  I can be walking around in the winter in my house in shorts and a cut off t-shirt and my wife has two sweatshirts and three blankets on and wants me to build a fire.  C’mon woman!

What is sweating though?  Maybe that’s how we can achieve a little understanding of my excessive propensity to sweat pouring from my body when I seemingly exert myself higher than anything but existing.  I took this next bit from degreedeodorant.com because who would know better than them.  Plus, it’s on the internet so it must be true.  #science

“We mainly sweat to cool our bodies down, a process called thermoregulation. Our brain sends signals to perspire, releasing a clear fluid from over 3 million sweat glands (or sudoriferous glands) and as this fluid evaporates from our skin, it lowers our body temperature.

There are many factors that can cause us to perspire:

  • Hot environments
  • General movement and physical activities
  • Emotional feelings, including stress
  • Eating hot or spicy food
  • Side effects from medication or surgery
  • Illness, as our bodies fight infections or fevers
  • Hormonal changes such as menopause, pregnancy, menstruation or puberty”

Ok, great.  Our bodies get hot and we sweat to cool ourselves down so we don’t die.  Makes sense.  THEN HOW COME I NEVER COOL DOWN?!  Do you have any idea how annoying it is to refrain from doing something because you know you’re going to start sweating?  And let’s be honest, I’m self conscious.  I don’t want to be the sweaty guy which leads to being the sweaty AND smelly guy.  I like a good pair of pants and a nice light colored shirt.  But guess what?  If we’ve got to be outside for any length of time, that light colored shirt becomes a dark colored shirt very quickly and I start leaving butt prints everywhere when I sit down because I’m sweating my ASS off!(see what I did there?  C’mon, keep up).

This is kind of a tangent but there is a comedian named Bryan Regan who does this bit on common sense where he acts like he’s reading directions on how to cook pop tarts.  And you know that the only reason directions are on there is because some yokel couldn’t figure it out and the pop tart people had to relent and go, “OK, that one guy actually fucked this up.  We have to put directions on the box.”  But where I’m going with this is that the first line of “…many factors that can use to perspire:” that says “Hot Environments”.  NO WAY!  You can never take for granted just how stupid people can be.

After all that furious typing, the following:

Maybe I’m just one of the unlucky ones that is doomed to be a profuse sweater my entire life.  Maybe it’s telling me I should live in a place like Canda…Ok, not Canada…but maybe Minnesota or someplace like that where it’s not as hot and it’s actually bitterly cold at several points in the year.  Maybe I’m just doomed to need to wear black and dark blue or even white shirts all the time(but then my nipples show through).  If you can’t tell, the whole thing frustrates the hell out of me because there are times I won’t go outside and play with my kids because I know I’ll start sweating and I need to be somewhere right after.  Or maybe I just need to invent sweat prevention products and unite all us fat guys!  That’s the ticket.  Let’s turn this in to cash baby!

I’ll let the dulcet tones of Kevin James bring this one home for me…

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